what the majority of people get wrong about the grieving process.

dancing with your ghost.

one thing that I know about life is that each person's journey is unique. the path that is set before them and the struggles one faces are not identical. pain as a whole cannot be compared or contrasted with another persons experience with pain. what I mean by this is the cards each person is dealt with can only be empathized with one by one. two people may have both lost their father but how each person reacts, past trauma they've endured, how they think, and everything that's made them into them and how they respond to life is different. no one has the exact same cards as their neighbor, therefore, the hand in it's entirety can only be sympathized with and never fully empathized.

with that being said, many people on this earth do unfortunately know what it's like to lose a loved one and experience grief. if you are one of those individuals that's lost someone close to you, I am here to say I do empathize with you on that one card. it's one of the worst feelings in the world. receiving that kind of news shakes you and never leaves you quite the same.

before I get into writing the rest of this entry I have a confession to make. i. hate. vulnerability. I know how liberating being vulnerable can be, however, over time I've been conditioned to keep the deep stuff... well, deep. I have a fear of sharing things that greatly affect me; things that represent my hurt and that others can minimize or invalidate. and THAT is for me to take responsibility for. my mental health, my feelings, and my being is my responsibility just like how YOUR mental health and YOUR feelings are on your side of the street. so here I am, on my side of the street, attempting to lift the blinds and let you in a little.

so pls be gentle w me and my fragile heart.

the mourning process is one of the most difficult and lengthy trials to endure. if you've never lost anybody before then you are one of the lucky ones. in my personal opinion, the grieving process is one of the most underrated and misunderstood of them all. you learn the stages of grief, your read the Bible passages about mourning, and attempt to find a way to make it through. but I'm going to share with you guys the reality of what mourning is actually like.

it never ends

the expectation

a major expectation on healing is that at some point it ends. "once you reach x amount of months then you'll feel ok" or "it's been over a year so they must be over it" kind of mentality. I'm here to tell you that is completely false. there is no expiration date. there is no finish line or a certain point where the loss of someone won't affect you. and these so called expectations will be set by you AND by those surrounding you. your worst critics and your loved ones. I know that can sound defeating & hopeless but bear with me on this one ok? I'm giving it to you straight but I promise there is a silver lining. you may think enough time has passed to where you should be all healed up but there is no such thing. the people around you WILL place a time cap of what is an acceptable length of time to be upset for according to them. once you surpass their socially acceptable amount of time to mourn you are expected to pull it all together like nothing had happened. let me tell you why this doesn't work... mourning comes in phases.

the healing process is not linear

when I say mourning comes in phases I mean that it is not linear. again, there is no line that you can cross that magically transports you from mourning to being completely healed. everyone's experience with grief is different.

personally, when I first received the news of losing the only person I had ever loved romantically I felt broken. my world had been crushed, the air stolen from my lungs, and I was overcome with melancholy. as time went on I had been healing slowly but surely giving every emotion and tear to the Lord. some days I felt very happy, thankful for my lot in life, and like the bubbly individual I knew myself to be. However, the lows accompany the highs, and I had other days where my brain was drowing in past memories and scary images of what the body must look like now. I had a lot of joyful moments starting school at a new college but every now and then there would be some days where a certain smell in the air would bring you back to a place in time you spent with that person, a dream of your passed loved one weighing down on you, and some days the pain just comes back and slaps you across the face.

healing is not linear. I still have nights I cry myself to sleep. certain seasons may be more difficult than others. The weeks surrounding anniversaries may be more difficult than others. some days your good and some days you're not. that doesn't mean you're broken or that something is wrong with you, but instead it just means you're human.

don't get me wrong here because it does get better with time. absolutely. and that is the silver lining. just because it doesn't completely go away does not mean that the feelings you experience are at the same magnitude they once were. it does get easier with time. you learn how to live with it. you do. I promise.

i'm not saying any of this to discourage you or make you feel hopeless if you too are undergoing grief. I say this to not only bring awareness to people who may have friends going through the mourning process but to let the individual who is really going through it know that there is nothing wrong with you. It's ok to miss someone. It's ok to be upset. You need to feel your emotions. If you're still upset or crying when you think you should be healed, you're not alone. it's perfectly normal to not be.

even the people that understand grief won't understand what you're going through

there's a lot of people who don't understand grief. However, there's a lot of people who do. But remember that deck of cards analogy we mentioned earlier? Yeah, well just because someone may empathize with some of your cards you've been dealt doesn't necessarily mean they understand the suit your card is in. someone who lost their mother doesn't necessarily understand what it's like to have lost a husband or significant other. someone who is very sensitive may process the loss differently than someone who feels their emotions less intensely. not only that but the other circumstances in someones life plays a key role in their level of understanding. no one can read your mind or feel exactly what you are feeling and its presumptuous to think that people will automatically just get it. most times they won't. there's communication and vulnerability required but most importantly understanding that no one can understand the exact breakdown of your feelings. have grace and compassion towards yourself and towards those around you.

you have to have your own back

again, only you know exactly what you're feeling and going through. you know yourself better than any other human being knows you. It's so important to take care of yourself. There will be many moments when people don't understand what you're going through, can't comprehend why you're feeling down all of a sudden, or why you need time to heal when you've been so good recently.

you know you better than anybody else. the only one who knows your heart, mind, and soul better is Jesus Christ. if you need to take time away from society in order to focus on yourself... do it. if you need to limit time with your friends in order to spend more time with God... that's completely ok. if you need time to work through old memories that have found their way into your consciousness... make that time and prioritize it.

not everyone will understand. you may receive a lot of questions or maybe even some push back. but you are responsible for your well being. it is more important to tend to your emotional wounds than making social appearances. how the heck can you pour out into other people when your cup is empty? and not just empty but like it's been chucked crossed the room. your mental health and feelings are on your side of the street. if you're not going to tend to those areas of your life who do you think will?

moments where you are very ignorant and not sympathetic to other people's problems

this may sound brutal but experiencing a profound amount of pain and grief opens your eyes to a darker side of the world. suddenly mundane problems seem inconsequential. the mentality of "there's bigger problems to have" tends to set in. however, that mindset can lead to invalidating other people's feelings and being less sympathetic to other people's hurts. it may even lead to resentment towards people who you consider to have it easier. yeah, that's not okay.

it's easy to judge someone who thinks like that, but when you're personally going through the hurt of losing someone you loved tremendously, someone who's complaining about getting a D on their exam sounds ridiculous. someone who complains about their boy problems [which oh yes I most certainly have done] in the moment seems crazy. like... your crush doesn't like you back? imagine losing a loved one!

it's not fair to compare the two. it's also not right because yeah, those two are not equally yoked. the tiny hurt may hold a lot of significance to that other person because they haven't been through worse and it's not fair for you to condemn them for that. ignorance is bliss. life is often times unfair. but it's important to not transfer your feelings onto someone else.

the grief seeps into all areas of your life

you can't compartmentalize your grief. if you do it will only become a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off. the truth is that mourning affects all areas of your life. why? how? because your grief affects you. it may impact your mindset, how you view the world, the concept of life being too short, how you walk, how you talk, how you treat others, how much you can pay attention to a given subject/task, your drive, your amount of effort you can exhort, and so so so much more.

grief will impact more than one area in your life but it is by no means a wildfire. it just takes more conscious effort and awareness. it requires more self love and compassion towards yourself. heck, my phone lock screen and home screen is a periwinkle screen savor with the words "have compassion towards yourself". it's so important. your grief can even fuel your motivation for better behavior and lifestyle choices. point being: even though it may seep into other sectors of your life, it does not dominate. It's up to you how much control you give your grief over your life.

more on feelings...

sometimes you'll feel crazy

sometimes when you're knee deep in grief you can feel crazy. you wonder if the person who passed away is with you or watching over you. you may be crying and screaming at the world. honestly, there's a lot of different ways this topic can present itself in a mourning persons life. the thought of losing someone forever can push someone to do some "crazy" things like to go a psychic for answers or imagine your late loved one eating dinner with you. don't get me wrong these aren't normal things to do but I wouldn't necessarily say crazy. while I personally don't believe in psychics, I do believe that coping presents itself in so many different ways. often times as humans we fear the unknown. this is one of those times.

the snowball effect

i'm sure this is a familiar concept to you one way or another. "the snowball effect" is basically when you take one negative thing and then add a bunch of other negative aspects (whether relative or not or recent or not) on top of that initial bad stimulus. so in terms of grief... it's so easy to take that sadness over mourning someone and place all the other problems going on in your life or that you've already gone through and paint this massive picture of how bad your life is. clearly that's a tactic the devil likes to use on us to make us feel hopeless. the snowball effect happens to everyone whether you've lost someone or not. just be aware that the grieving process can intensify that effect. it's important to be aware of this in order to be proactive in preventing the downward spiral that tends to accompany it.

here's a piece of Scripture that's helped me combat the snowball effect:

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:5)

you feel alone

lastly, mourning is something that can make you feel alone. Its an experience that isolates you from the world and reality in more ways than one. you may feel like no one knows what you're going through, that you're "being punished" by God (which is NOT the case), or simply just feel disconnected.

it's important to realize that you are not alone in this. firstly, you have friends and family who care about you. they may not fully understand your feelings but that doesn't take away from the fact they love you and want to see you happy. It can be a helpless feeling when someone you love is hurting and there's nothing you can do about it. secondly, it's important to not completely cut yourself off from society but if you know you need space then take it. personally, I am the type of person who needs a decent amount of time by myself to recharge. when you add mourning into the mix I need even more time to myself alone to process those extra feelings and cope in a healthy way. it takes time but it's something that I need to do for me. maybe it's the same way for you or maybe the opposite would suit you better. you need to do what's best for you and your mental health.

lastly, as a christian I know I am never alone because the Holy Spirit dwells within me. I rest on the promise that God is omnipresent and my refuge. He will never forsake me. so even in the loneliest times or when I'm standing in what feels like the deepest valleys I get to rest on the promises of the Lord. Some of those many promises include:

• He will comfort us (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

• to tend to our broken hearts (Psalm 34:18)

• He'll uplift our spirits and turn mourning into dancing (Psalm 30:11)

• God is our refuge (Psalm 46:1, Nahum 1:7)

• peace is ours for the taking (Colossians 3:15; John 14:27, Psalm 29:11)

• God is with us wherever we go (Joshua 1:9)

• "the heart of the wise is in the house of mourning" (Ecclesiastes 7:4)

• God will use this difficult time for good + His glory (Genesis 50:20)

There are so many different aspects to understand with mourning. Losing a loved one to any circumstance is never easy. The aim of this entry is to bring more awareness to the reality of mourning, to help someone feel less alone in the types of emotions they're feeling admitst their grief, and to better equip those who know someone experiencing the loss of a loved one with knowledge.

The Hope that Prevails

at the end of the day we're all struggling & hurting inside. there's a greater war at play. Jesus never promised us this life would be easy or without suffering... not once. what He did promise us was a paved way through the suffering. a trail He clears for us that offers us peace, love, rest, strength, renewal, goodness, faith, hope, and most of all our salvation. i know the only reason I've gotten through some of the hardest moments in my life is because of Jesus Christ. a vertical gaze. a gaze on hope and mighty promises. not a horizontal one looking to and fro all the different evils in the world.

it's ok to feel your feelings. it's perfectly normal to be hurt and experience the lows in life. it's ok to not be ok all of the time. the lows accompany the highs and unfortunately we can't control the hand we've been dealt. the only thing we can handle is how we respond to those cards. i chose to give my hand over to God every single time. in exchange for my mourning He gifts me with dancing. He turns my sorrows into joy. He works the evil for good because He is good.

just know you're not alone. some people may have been dealt similar cards as you, but God sees the whole deck...

and He holds the victory in every. single. circumstance.

Sincerely,

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