at a crossroads.

in this season of my life, it's clear to see I'm at a crossroads. this summer has been one I've been using to simply take care of myself & heal. sometimes that gets a bad rep as lazy or "not doing anything with your life", but I always view it as you can't pour out of a broken vessel. you do what you gotta do to take care of yourself... there's no shame in the game homie. especially when u throw seasonal depression into the mix, u really do gotta be there for yourself.

and by you I mean me because I am talking about myself.

so this crossroad... what exactly is it?

I've had to make a lot of hard decisions this summer... what do I want to continue doing, how am I going to make certain things (priorities) work in my life, & how to navigate all this change that's entered my life?

there's a lot of aspects of my life that are going to be looking a lot different after this summer. some of it I'm ready for & others I'm a little apprehensive about. the reason why I'm making this post is because I wanted to touch on the apprehensive stuff.

struggling with my faith.

I wish I could be that christian who says she's felt God with her every step of the way, whose been worshipping through the dark stuff, and stays posted up in the Bible. unfortunately, that's not the case this time. the first part of the summer I was doing all those things. the later part of the summer I honestly haven't been spending much time with God. I kept having bomb after bomb dropped on my life & I couldn't feel the Lord with me through those times.

it sucked. point blank. and what I would do was blame myself for not doing enough to spend time with God & prioritize Him. while I do recognize where I need to take responsibility I also needed to stop using that shame/guilt to hold me back.

I always get a little uneasy when big change comes my way but I also know deep down that change is necessary. & what I've also been relearning is that it doesn't matter where you are in life or how you feel... God will still meet you where you are. EVEN if u haven't opened the Bible in a long while. He's still making a way. He sees you in all your joy AND affliction.

lastly, when God makes a promise He follows through. a lot of times where God calls me doesn't make sense to the world around me. to some people in my life faith over practical doesn't make sense to them, therefore, following my calling seems to meet serious doubt & resistance. when I'm not constantly filling myself with the word of God I start to take in their doubt as my own.

what's next for me?

there's some aspects that I want to keep private & others I'm willing to share. so here's what some of the things are I want to share with y'all are:

• I'm still pursuing youtube... that I don't think will ever change. I still want to make the content I've been making but I also want to go back into making series documentary style. my main inspos are Shane Dawson, Sam & Colby, and Anthony Padilla. I've been playing around with an lu part 2 series idea (but that's still v much so under construction) among other ideas.

• I'm ready to get my own place... quite frankly, at 21 years old I'm ready to have my own apartment again. I'm ready to start saving up, researching where I want to live, and make that big step. I also think my parents house is beyond haunted so I'm ready to dip. besides that, the older you get the more important having your own space gets. in a way I feel like living at home has been a blessing, yes, but also holding me back. y'all the spiritual warfare in this household alone is INSANE that I won't get into today, but I think it's time for a new start.

• how I share my faith will most likely change... when you post your life on the internet you open yourself up to different critiques, some positive & some negative. to be completely honest, I do enjoy constructive criticism, but I've gotten a lot of unnecessary pushback from the church for sharing my beliefs & personal convictions from the Lord. there's a lot of standpoints I strongly disagree with on how some christians handle certain subjects. that's okay but in this season of my life I've decided to take a step back. I'm not changing my faith, I'll still be referencing my relationship with the Lord (bc that's what my life revolves around), but it may look very different from what I've been doing.

• planning on working harder... it's been difficult to work a lot this summer when I've just been trying to make sure I'm good internally. I'm ready to step it up and pick up more shifts to accomplish what I need to accomplish & get to where I need to go. youtube is a different story because... bro, I love making videos. my channel makes me happy & I don't really consider it work until you get to the business/analytic side of youtube. I've been goin full force with youtube this summer because it's truly a passion of mine and I'm ready to step the game up with that too.

recently I've re-envisioned my future & I'm kinda excited. there's still a lot to figure out but I see the plentiful opportunities ahead. I can see how the once negative changes are actually forcing me down a positive path that would compliment my life/what I want to do a lot better. all glory be to God though for answering my prayers & revealing what that looks like.

ya girl is about to be taking some big steps & I hope you guys will still be along for the ride.

sincerely,

saved